chaoward (chaoward) wrote in virtual_slam,

breakdown # 235 - 5/31/07

maybe if i scream enough the ringing of my voice will split the sky and open up the horizon
perhaps if i pummel the ground
pounding into earth until blood flows freely from split knuckles
i can shake up the world enough to mean something
today i think i'll drive spikes through my feet
and dig into the heavens to bring down the sky
break fingers to pull down the shining blue of the day's horizon
and peel it back to reveal the pure black of Nothing that lies just below the surface of everything
i want to scratch at the skin of existence itself
open wounds and burn the edges with tips of smoldering pens lit from the sparks of my synapses firing too fast to simply travel soundlessly
so they crackle, aflame, across the inside of my skull
and melt my mind into some mass of flustered misunderstanding of where i'm standing
i can't stand it all anymore
i feel like i'm floating along the whitewater rapids of problems i don't remember asking for
lost on the current of my own thoughts and too far from shore to grab a branch to stop the sweeping waves from pulling me under
but i can't drown here
just tumble, head over feet, swallowing more water than lungs can handle
but they won't burst
instead, the pressure just builds inside my chest until it doubles me over, cringing
clutching my ribcage and gritting my teeth trying to focus eyes on feet
still anchored to ground as the tidal waves of life continue to beat my body
this is supposed to get easier the more it happens
but i'm not calloused enough
i haven't developed thick enough skin to not get scraped up
running through the briar patch of my memories lost and never returning
i wish i could drink them away
swallow the tide until it sickens me
expelling everything in my self so i can start over
toughen up so i can be someone else who won't even remember this boy in the midst of a charmed life and somehow unable to handle it
feet still anchored, fingertips reaching to rend day from night
sky from horizon
let loose the black blanket of what lies beyond
what our eyes can't see yet
what our minds run terrified from every time our thoughts get near it
somehow i think i've warmed up to the idea
disintegrate the machinations of my own mind and break down to the most basic principles of existing instinctually
eat, sleep, shit, fuck, repeat
how badly i just wish i could be simple for once
single celled organism
or some child's first caged rodent
life would be simple then:
eat, sleep, shit, fuck, repeat
but it's not so very easy, modern day life contains more directions:
eat, sleep, shit, stress, fuck, worry, drink, smoke, scream, stress, fuck, worry, drink, smoke, smoke, smoke, smoke, drink, fuck, worry, stress, drink, smoke, drink, smoke
ticking off checkboxes as i continue through the To Do list of my daily rituals
just trying to reach the bottom hard enough to break myself against it
dissolve my self in the most violent landing known to mind
screaming, pummeling the ground screaming
trying to shake things up a bit
sometimes i can't feel my own fists anymore
so i keep punching harder
gripping tighter
and scraping torn fingernails down the sides of my existence
trying to find a tear that i can break through
but it's too solid to break through
so, instead, i'll just periodically break down
on blank pages and text entry fields
because i forgot how to scream loud enough
punch hard enough
or pull strong enough to peel back the sky
so i'll get to Nothing my own way
please don't follow me
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